Thursday, June 13, 2013

Depression, Hormones, and the Dread Pirate Roberts

Having dealt with severe depression and anxiety when I was younger (and to some small extent every winter) I should have realized last Wednesday that my grumpiness was out of character. At my 21 week appointment the next morning the "wonderful" ultrasound tech managed to make things worse, turning what should have been a happy time into a mishmash of sadness, stress, and flat out angst intertwined with joy and confusion.

For a fleeting moment I wondered what would happen if I punched the woman in the face. And not just a little girlie slap either, my dad didn't raise no weaklings. Yeah, that's how bad it was.

From then till last night I had major sobbing fits, zero appetite, a strong desire to do nothing but sleep, and a long list of thoughts that started with I'm A Horrible Mother, wandered past I'm A Horrible Person In General, made a pit stop at Life Sucks, and finally came to a halt at Must Eat Chocolate (And I'm A Horrible Mother Who Shall Forever Be Fat).

Somewhere around Life Sucks I realized that this wasn't just preggie hormones gone wild and started making an active attempt to strangle every I-hate-myself thought that tried to join the party. And finally I let myself cry it out, call it the Ferber method for grown-ups. (Did I mention that, even though all I wanted to do was sleep, I couldn't sleep? Yeah. However, after sobbing for almost an hour I finally fell asleep and slept straight through the night.)

Lets face it, as The Mom I rarely let myself feel unhappy stuff.  There's just too much to do, not enough hours in the day, and whining and whinging in the corner doesn't get shit accomplished, no matter how much I just want to sit and bawl at times. Happy feelings? Allowed to show. Angry/frustrated/ sad feelings? They can sit in a mental box till I have time to deal with them.

I think its a woman thing, I mean, Hubby has no problem complaining about work problems, and I don't remember my dad or brothers having any issues but I can remember my mom flipping out over something tiny, only to learn later she was still upset about that incident a month ago.

Lisa Simpson: But I'm so angry.
Marge Simpson: You're a woman. You can hold on to it forever

ALLOWING myself to feel like utter crud helped, as odd as that sounds. And once I got the feelings out of the way I could try and figure out what was causing them. Which...well...I could list everything but in a nutshell? Pregnancy jitters, second-guessing, and all that other stuff most preggos go through. Basically-WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING HAVING A SECOND BABY??? Only to a higher anxiety level than normal. I also had to re-visit (and re-feel) the loss from last year (thank you insensitive bitch of an ultrasound tech) which, no matter how much I think I'm completely over, seems like a wound that never truly scars over.

Today I knew things were getting better. Munchkin and I were watching The Princess Bride at the scene where Wesley fights the ROUSs. As the rodent knocked him to the ground Munchkin exclaimed "Oh MY!" (complete with hand to her cheek and (I swear) a slight southern accent).  I burst out laughing.

I have no idea why I found it hilarious but I did. When I finally got it under control I realized it was the first time I'd really laughed all week. As I wiped the laugh tears off my face Munchkin turned to me, patted my arm, and said "Its OK. Its OK."

Yes, Munchkin. Its OK. Your mom is a little crazy and emotional right now but its all going to be OK.

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